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Lately, a certain Facebook profile has been showing up in my "People You May Know" list multiple times. I have no intention of connecting with that profile. Eventually, I couldn't ignore the profile any longer because it brought back terrible memories that really upset me.
What exactly happened here?
An extreme bully from my school days has made a grand appearance on Facebook.
When I started to realize the mistreatment from my bullies in school and college, I began distancing myself by cutting them out of my life. I wrote two pieces about my experiences, but they were not well-received by my supposed friends. One accused me of being ‘annoying’ and insisted that I was trying to blow my experiences out of proportion, claiming that they were pretty much ‘acceptable’ in those environments. "People are like that - you should accept it and move on. Why are you being so sensitive? Grow up, be tough!"
Oh, oh, the drama!
In my writings, I talked about how I was bullied for not being "man enough," for displaying feminine behaviors, and for going through painful identity crises. I didn't have the courage to reveal that I was molested and sexually harassed repeatedly.
I didn’t have the courage.
In a Bangladeshi boys' school, teenagers are trying to understand the changes happening to their bodies. The feeling of strange bodily transformations seems like an outside influence to them. There is a mix of understanding and irritation with this stage of life. However, if someone displays what might be considered a stereotypical ‘feminine gesture,’ the teenagers should not take it as an opportunity to pry, especially given the confusion and changes they are experiencing.
My physics teacher molested me in front of the class- nobody around me said a word. The ‘teenagers’ took this as a clue to take advantage of me, and some of them started sexually harassing me occasionally.
My physics teacher molested me in front of the class- nobody around me said a word. The ‘teenagers’ took this as a clue to take advantage of me, and some of them started sexually harassing me occasionally. I used to hide in an empty class for a long time after school to avoid them. I used to take different paths to go home so that they wouldn’t be able to catch me and treat me like I was their toy.
I was so cowardly that I couldn’t say NO. I never said NO to anyone.
How was I supposed to say NO?
The problem wasn’t “Me”? Shouldn’t I subscribe to the rules and regulations of society? I was born with male genitalia, so my responsibility is to act like a “MAN.” If I move an inch out of it - I am out of society, and all of my security will automatically be taken away. Now, anyone can do anything to me - society has no headaches.
I couldn’t resist and visited that particular bully’s profile. There was nothing exciting—just a bunch of photos. Suddenly, I saw a photo of his girlfriend. She seemed pretty familiar to me, and later, I found out she was on my friend list.
I find it interesting that she has complimented my boldness on social media multiple times. I've been feeling a strange sense of anger that I can't quite explain. The person who used to bully me, someone I always saw as a villain, is now in a relationship. But because of this, I still feel like someone could take advantage of me. I still get shivers whenever someone touches me; the fear is still very strong. Should I tell her about this? As a feminist, how could she be in a relationship with someone like my former bully? I am extremely angry about this.
I gathered my thoughts and asked myself, "Am I overreacting?" How did she find out about what happened to me in school? Am I obligated to tell everyone about what my bullies put me through?
People grow up; some people understand their wrongdoings, and some just ignore them blissfully.
I used to believe that it was my responsibility to confront my bullies, make them understand the impact of their actions, and receive apologies from them. Maybe that's why I continue to publish pieces in daily newspapers in an attempt to grab their attention - perhaps it's an unconscious effort? I don't believe I did it deliberately; perhaps there was an intention that I wasn't aware of. Some of my bullies reached out to me after reading those pieces where I subtly called them out. Unfortunately, the conversations were very disappointing.
Some of them have no understanding of what they have done, and even when I cut them off, some of them painted me as a "Snob," "Mental," and "Weird."
I chose to cut off most of my classmates and so-called school-college friends from my life for a reason. With the amount of bullying I have endured and the number of traumas they gave me, there is no consolation for those scars - nothing will make them go away. I ignored all of these for a long time and gradually hurt myself. Some of them have no understanding of what they have done, and even when I cut them off, some of them painted me as a "Snob," "Mental," and "Weird." Do I care? I used to. I wanted to tell them - hey, this is what you have done to me. But then again, what is the point? If they apologize, will I accept the apology and say my traumas? GOODBYE. ALL IS GOOD? No, absolutely not.
You all might assume that I really want my bullies to reach out to me, make a confession, and get my forgiveness. Honestly speaking, this will never happen.
It would be a lie if I said I never had ‘thought,’ but honestly, at the current stage of my life, I have no energy to deal with them; then how will the ‘forgiveness’ ritual happen?
I must admit that I no longer have childhood friends, and my relationships with my school and college friends have weakened. I also had negative experiences during my university life. However, cutting off those relationships was the best decision for my mental well-being. Building new friendships has been a challenge. I struggle to determine who I can truly call a friend. But at least I no longer have to pretend and I have nothing to lose.
The discussion has mainly focused on bullies in educational institutions, but what about other settings? Bullying can happen in offices, organizations, and various other places. During my teenage years, I was actively involved in voluntary organizations and encountered multiple instances of humiliation, microaggressions, and invalidation. I don't intend to compare which environment had the most bullying - there's no need for that. However, if we're addressing trauma, educational institutions can certainly be a major area of concern.
You can’t ask me to forgive my bullies.
I will never forgive my bullies.
My trauma is not your vanity.
Tanveer Anoy is an author, archivist, and activist. They are currently studying and teaching Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies at Oregon State University.
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